Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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