mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
