ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize