So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
