A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
