Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
