i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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