I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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