I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
