between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
