Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
