Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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