somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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