there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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