I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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