nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
