plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
