just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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