dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
