I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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