I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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