I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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