I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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