he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
