He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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