Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
