I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
