yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
