Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
