I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize