Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
