So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
