I wish my penis had an off switch
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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