i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
