I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This is my gift to your gina
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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