Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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