Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
