Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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