dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Randomize
