elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
