I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
