So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
