How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize