i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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