Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I intend to get homeless drunk
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
