I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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