when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
