your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
