he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
