you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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