Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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