Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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