I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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