Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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