she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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