New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
