Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
