New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
