my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
