I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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