I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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